Why attack when you can have fun?
by Zelda12343
Summary: Voldemort and the Death Eaters are trying to decide when to attack... but what do they end up doing instead? Rated T for some themes. A oneshot.


**Author's note: **_I thought this up during a game of Would you Rather with one of my friends__. Why it popped into my head, I have no clue. I might make this a multichapter story, but for now, enjoy this random little oneshot that I have written!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I can be a fangirl, but I do not own Harry Potter. But I want to so bad... sooo badd... WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I WANT HARRY POTTER!_

_Sorry.

* * *

_"So, Voldemort, are we going to attack tonight or what?" snarled Dolohov.

"Yes! Let's attack Hogwarts now instead of waiting for Harry Potter to get there!" growled Yaxely.

"That would be a preferable course of action," purred Bellatrix Lestrange.

"I agree," hissed Mr. Lestrange. "However, I want to wait until we are at full force!"

No, this wasn't a meeting for wild animals. This was a meeting for Death Eaters. They had been having this argument for several hours now: when would they attack Hogwarts? Who knew when Harry Potter was getting back? And now that Neville Longbottom had disappeared, they all knew that it was just a matter of time. Besides, several of them had children there, and wanted those children to be freed from school. No one, not even magical parents, enjoyed having to listen to their kids whining about bullies, teachers, homework, and the like in their infrequent letters and visits home.

"Yeah. I guess we ought to attack," agreed the first Death Eater to not make an animal noise. Kudos to the mature and serious Lucius Malfoy.

"And what would we do instead?" growled Bellatrix.

"Uh... eat muffins?"

I take that back. Lucius Malfoy is not mature or serious.

"Not funny, Lucius," Severus Snape drawled. "Not remotely."

"Hello? Does anyone remember who's in charge here?" snapped a voice from the end of the very long table. The Death Eaters wheeled around to see none other than Lord Voldemort himself at the end of the table. Bellatrix immediately tried to smile charmingly, ending up looking like a cobra escaped from a jail where the authorities didn't believe in brushing teeth. In other words, she looked hideous. The pickup attempt on Voldemort was one again a failure.

_Would that **** ever learn that I am **NOT AVAILABLE? **_Voldemort thought. Well, at least it was better than the time she'd sent flowers that had turned out to be Venomous Tentacula clippings. Now _that _had been bad.

"MY LORD!" bellowed all of the Death Eaters at once. Except Snape. He moved his lips and flipped Voldemort off under the table. Lately, he'd been getting a little bit more bold, and had been challenging Voldemort's authority more and more often.

"Well, my idea was this," Voldemort began. "Let's get ready just a little bit more. That Potter boy could be anywhere. He could be here, as a matter of fact! He could even be _me _in disguise_!" _Voldemort found this joke very funny. Well, at least he did until he found himself staring at everyone's wands, which were now pointed at him.

"...That was a joke, y'know."

All the wands lowered.

"Well, anyway," Voldemort continued. "I was thinking. Maybe we should attack another time. Maybe in a few weeks."

"I think he really _is _Harry Potter," mumbled Draco Malfoy.

"I heard that, Draco! Well, anyway, I was thinking that we all need a night off. You know, to charge up a little. To have some fun. Let ourselves go. And the like," Voldemort finished. With that, he waved his wand, making blindfolds appear around the eyes of all the present Death Eaters. He summoned the rest of the Death Eaters, put blindfolds around their eyes, and set to work.

The Death Eaters couldn't see what was going on in Malfoy Manor now, but they could definitely hear what was going on.

"_Accio!" _Boom! Bang! "_Wingardrium Leviosa!" _Pow! Bash! "_Protego!" _Thunk! Hiss! "Oh, that was you, wasn't it, Nagini? Sorry." CRUNCH! "OH GOD, NAGINI! DON'T BITE ME THERE!" Hiss.

After a few minutes more of this, the blindfolds were removed, and the Death Eaters found themselves staring at the perfect setting for a nightclub. There was a stage with a karaoke machine, a bar, a dance floor, lots of tables, strobe lights, a disco ball, even light-up tiles and music blasting through speaker towers ten feet tall.

"Ladies and gentlemen," came a voice from the stage. Two spotlights turned on abruptly to reveal Voldemort in bell-bottom jeans, a white, long-sleeved shirt, a sparkly hat, and flats. "Let's get ready to PARTY!"

All of a sudden, _Bad Romance _came on through all the speakers. The Death Eaters all screamed like Twilight fangirls that had just spotted Taylor Lautner and raced to the dance floor, where several of them began to rock out. Bellatrix, Voldemort, and Dolohov all began to sing karaoke. Lucius Malfoy and Mr. Lestrange walked over to the bar and began a drinking contest. Draco ran up to his room, returning several minutes later dressed for a party and carrying several crates of fireworks, which he began to set off. In other words, pandemonium that usually exploded during parties began.

"YEAH! PARTY!" shouted Dolohov into the mike as he took over being the D.J. The Death Eaters all took turns changing into more suitable party attire, and let their hair down for once. Well, if they had any.

* * *

Seven hours later, the room was filled with smoke, every Lady Gaga song ever written had been played again and again, Rudolphous Lestrange was hungover, having just woken up from a nap, Lucius Malfoy was severely drunk (after out-drinking Mr. Lestrange, Yaxely, Greyback, and both of the Carrows), Voldemort had somehow been coerced to sing a love song to Bellatrix, a large group of Death Eaters were now playing Spin the Bottle, and Severus Snape was playing Truth or Dare with Narcissa Malfoy, a confused Pius Thicknesse and others under the Imperius curse.

"Truth or Dare?" Narcissa asked.

"Truth," Snape replied.

"You swear?" Narcissa asked again.

"Yes," Snape replied, realizing what was coming and slipping alcohol into her tea covertly.

"Who's side are you _really _on?" she asked.

"Drink your tea while I tell you the story," Snape replied. Five minute later, the alcohol was already beginning to take effect on already the tipsy Death Eater, and she had passed out.

"...And so, I am on Dumbledore's side. Happy?"

The others just nodded. It wasn't as though _they _would talk unless anyone asked. They were under the Imperius curse!

"_Beautiful girls, all over the world_

_I could be chasin'_

_But my time would be wastin'_

_They got nothin' on you, babe._

_Nothin' on you, babe!" _Voldemort sang to Bellatrix, who looked even uglier than usual.

"Go on, Voldie!" she giggled and slipped more love potion into his apple juice. Yes, Voldemort drank apple juice. Less easy to spike with potions, Voldemort said. If only he knew.

Over at the Spin the Bottle table, Dolores Umbridge was now making out with Rudolphous Lestrange. She wasn't really a Death Eater, just supported them, so she was now dressed in a revealing miniskirt (which just made her look positively hideous) and had joined them. When the two finished tasting one another's tongues, Rudolphous Lestrange murmured, "I think I should divorce Bella. I have found the most beautiful, sweet, perfect-for-me woman!"

The onlookers smirked as Rudolphous and Dolores left to continue their romantic session in the more romantic garden. Greyback (who like Rudolphous was hungover but otherwise recovered from his bout of drinking with Lucius) then spun the bottle, which faced Mr. Goyle.

"Oh f-"

On the dance floor, another Lady Gaga song was blaring.

_"Let's have some fun, this beat is sick,_

_Wanna take a ride on your disco stick!"_

The Death Eaters swayed in time to the music, dancing like there was no tomorrow. At least, if they weren't singing along, horribly out of tune.

"What's a 'disco stick?'" asked some random Death Eater to another.

"I dunno," he replied, "But it's a good song."

Finally, at the only otherwise unoccupied corner in the room, Draco Malfoy was all alone, shooting off fireworks again and again. At least, he was until a younger girl of about fifteen took a seat next to him at the table.

"Can I try?" she asked cheerfully. He sighed and handed her a lighter. She grinned at him warmly and set off a Catherine Wheel or two before handing the lighter back to him.

"Thanks," she laughed as he gloomily set off another firework. Noticing his lonely expression, she offered him her hand. "Want some company?"

Draco was shocked, but just nodded and shook her hand.

"I'm Astoria Greengrass," she introduced herself. "Daughter of one of the Death Eaters. Glad to meet you!"

Draco Malfoy smiled, glad that Dolores Umbridge, Rudolphous Lestrange, Voldemort, and Bellatrix weren't the only ones who had finally met their soulmates that night.

* * *

"Ughhhh," groaned Lucius Malfoy. "Shut up!"

"YOU DARE TO SAY 'SHUT UP' TO THE DARK LORD?" screamed Voldemort. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE HUNGOVER, I WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!"

"I was too drunk to recall, my lord, but I assume that the party went late into the night and many things occurred. For instance, Rudolphous Lestrange is suddenly married to Dolores Umbridge-Lestrange instead of Bellatrix Riddle. Draco Malfoy is now talking about that girl he met. Your voice is hoarse. You are now married Several of us are hungover," Lucius replied frostily.

"Many things _did _occur," Bellatrix smirked. Indeed, she was now called Bellatrix Riddle. Voldemort had proposed to her at about three in the morning, and, 'with times being as they are', he'd married her at five in the morning. Yes, people were taking it quickly now. But who cared? One thing that hadn't been taken quickly was that party.

"Yes, thank god. I finally realized that you've been the girl of my dreams since I first met you!" Voldemort smiled and kissed her.

What a night to remember indeed!


End file.
